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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

It's a Wrap!

WARNING: By viewing this post, you agree to hold blameless the Two-Fisted Blogger for any increased levels of testosterone, additional chest hair growth and irresistablility to shapely nubile fly girls.

Yes, unfortunately, the Men's Adventure Blog Tour has come to an end. Now what're we gonna do? Well, for starters, read the rest of this post!

In the days before social networks, a lot of us were routinely spammed by friends and relatives with email jokes, anecdotes, questionaires and smarmy stories. One of the best ones I ever received was called "The Writing Assignment." Because it meshes so nicely with some of my guest blogs during the tour (and because it's so doggone hysterical) I tracked it down and pasted it below:

PROFESSOR MILLER: Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. Ready? Begin.

REBECCA: At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question. 

GARY: Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

REBECCA: He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth — when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

 GARY: Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" 

REBECCA: This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. 

 GARY: Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. 

REBECCA: You total prick! 

GARY: Stupid bitch!

Hey, don't blame me for what Gary and Melvin say...even if it turns out they are fans of the Two-Fisted Blog.

Well, I hope all who followed the first ever Men's Adventure Blog Tour enjoyed it. Thanks to all who participated, and that includes my fellow authors/bloggers James Reasoner; Wayne Dundee; Nate Granzow; Peter Nealen; Paul Bishop; Jack Badelaire; Dan Tharp; R.A. Mathis; Sean McLachlan; Winston Crutchfield; Jack Murphy; Mel Odom; and Jack Silkstone.

Some of you have also given Tier Zero reviews on Amazon, and I'm especially grateful for that. (John Scott and Jim Morris are not bloggers, but I don't want to leave you out--boocoup thanks for taking the time to read and post reviews!) Same goes for those who plugged the novel on Twitter, Facebook, and elsewhere: thanks very, very much. And thanks to all who clicked "like" on the Amazon page.

So here comes February and it's back to blogging for me. I believe there are some major changes coming in 2013 and those might include the Two-Fisted Blog. I have some ideas I want to implement--I just need a little help with them. The changes will be obvious if/when they occur.

Until next time, folks. 

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